So Sad To Lose My Sweet Little Dog..

I lost my sweet little dog, Betty. She was such a sweet,loving dog. She gave me such joy, and she was very smart. My kids, are out living their own lives. And Betty helped to fill my life with her sweetness. She died July 3,on mine and my hubby 26 anniversary. I knew that she was failing, so i bought her a beautiful casket, that's made of beautiful paper that goes right back into the earth. I held her and wept, as i told her what a joy she been. We been working on her grave site, in our big back yard. I know i must sound crazy, doing all this for a dog. She was much more than that to me. 13 yrs. ago a stupid Dr. messed up my life. At that time, Dr. paralyzed from the waist down. Four months before this i had got Betty she was only 4 months old when this happened to me.Well i feel because of her and pushing myself, with physical therapy. Betty depended on me, i was potty training her. So i dragged myself from my bed i had to pull myself on the floor. I couldn't stand up. And i had no strength in my left arm/ side. I ended up sleeping on a mattress i had my hubby put down on the floor for me. Dan worked very long hours in food service, he would rush home in the afternoons to help me. All i could keep down was water and water melon. So Dan made me up a cooler with ice and my melon cut up in zip lock baggies. Tell ya, what ones dignity gets lost fast, once you can be independent. Using a plastic tub for a toilet that was also one of my low points in my life. But sweet little Betty, was there with me, only a puppy with bounds of love to share. Many, many times i can remember crying with so much pain.But she lick my face and slept with me. When my legs started to work some, then the pain of hell really set in. My arms were burning, like someone had set them on fire. I was like most people who believed Dr's. were there to help you, not to lie and turn your life into a living hell. I'm sure their are some "REAL" great Dr's. out there, i just haven't found them and I'm not a true believer of them much any more. Too many, all they care about is the money!!
I use to be a Clown, yes a real Clown. I loved so much!! I Clowned for the healthy and the very ill children. Their smiles, and laughter and hugs fed my soul with such love and joy. They taught me how to really laugh and yes, really cry. When i grew close to a ill child and they passed away, i felt they took a piece of my heart with them. Many a times after they died, i would say i can't i just can't put my grease paint and my costume on again.
Then i get a call from a Mom, Dad asking me to please come to the hospital or their home. Because their ill child wanted me. And every time i came. Spend a little time with a beautiful dying child and then shut your mouth, if you start feeling sorry for yourself, on maybe you have to pay a bill or your car breaks down. Nothing can compare to that dying child. I had many of them whisper to me, please don't let my Mommy and Daddy be sad, OK? If they get sad Candee ( my clowning name), can you please come to see them and make them laugh too?

Missing Out On My Life..

Blogging is brand new world to me. I think i understand it. It writing down things you feel you like to say. I have always been a writer of my life and things that have gone on in my life, and in my life. I'm no spring chicken. Who the hell came with comparing a chicken to a person looks? And who ever seen a chicken spring? lol I looked in my mirror today, while brushing my teeth ( a chicken has no teeth ). and i see a woman that i don't recognize. When your life got flipped up side down.. The past 12 yrs. aged me to look and feel like i doubled my age. At least i don''t look like a old chicken. I have 3 grown kids, two are in the military. My son a Marine and my youngest she a Sailor and so her husband. I have 4 grandchildren..ages 18, 6, 5, and 8 mos. I come from a big family of 7 siblings, I'm the oldest. Our Mom, raised us all by herself. I miss her so much. She passed away a year ago, but at times feels like she just passed. We grew up very poor. I being the oldest and my brother that only 11 months younger than me. We learned how to survive so we could help to provide for our family. Life was not always easy that for sure, but i wouldn't traded for what my younger struggling years taught me in my adult life. Mom would always say, remember when you see someone that has so much and they still not happy. She say, Less Is More. Of course when she say it, we kids would roll our eyes and laugh. Not understanding what she was telling us. But she was spot on, Less Is More.